Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I love you yanjun! You rock. (: How often does someone tell you I just want you to be happy? One message to make my day.
I think it’s incredibly sucky to not be happy. Talking to yanjun today made me realise what a depressed and emotional kid I’ve turned into. And I hate that. I wanna be happy and innocent and carefree and ignorant like I was last time. I wanna be like mel, she’s always so happy and cheerful and bubbly. I miss mel making me laugh and brightening my day by just smiling.
Ok it’s my problem and I have to deal with it. All those small nasty problems that together become one giant headache.
In a way I think God has been answering my prayers. Like all the outings organised in the coming weeks? Mahjong at yi’s tmr, shopping with weiqin and manda on Saturday, dinner with girls plus chandra on Monday and sentosa with babes on the following Tuesday. Lots of things to keep me occupied and HAVE FUN. So yes I’m really thankful for that. I shall continue praying. (:
I was listening to my ipod just now and when the veronicas song, when it all falls apart, came on, the words really reflect how I’m feeling.
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream
Cause babyEverything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cuz I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No
Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
Cause it just seems to go bad every time
Will I be mending?
Another one ending once again
So yeah that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling now. I just wanna go back to the start, I wanna get over it, get over myself, I don’t wanna be so attached and I wanna just be there without expecting anything in return. I wanna be able to do all this and still feel happy and not like I’m pretending, that it doesn’t hurt and that I don’t care. If I could just scream and let everything out, that’ll work too.
Gotta pick myself up where do I start?
Seems like only yesterday you were asking are you happy with me. And I always say yes. But if you ask me now I’m not sure what I’ll say.
Halfway through blogging I paused to do bible studies and was studying this verse from Matthew 17:20. ‘If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there," and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.’ Maxie Dunnam (author of the book) continued by saying that it’s a figure of speech and Jesus is saying that very great hindrances can be removed by faith. I guess it’s easy for me to mistrust God in certain areas of my life where I don’t see immediate results. Especially for problems I pray about all the time, to see myself still frustrated and confused is pretty disheartening.
I know I have to keep praying about it but I have a small request. Will you, the reader, pray for me as well? If you’re a believer of course.
I believe in God and that His will for me is good.
Caught between wanting attention and wanting to keep it all to myself and just trust God. Obviously the latter’s a better option but hey, I’m only human too.
I’m really thankful for this outlet though. God has proven time and time again how good He is and how he’ll really give more than what we ask for. Though there are times when I do not understand yet but hey God works in ways we cannot fathom. So I should just really continue praying and just enjoy whatever I have in my life right now.
Anw ker yew said something really encouraging last Thursday during lesson. I asked if God listens to the prayers of non-Christians and she said yes! She said it’s a first step and God may place obstacles in their lives so that they will turn to him cos at this stage they only pray to ask for things. And in time they may come to believe in Him! Wonderful really how God works in each of our lives.
Then ker yew also said something else that really struck me. She said what if we only got what we thanked God for? We really don’t thank God enough, we don’t thank Him for being able to see, walk or even having money to buy that mango top we like so much. We take so many things for granted! Well I do anw. So from today onwards I shall thank God for something in every entry!
Today I thank God for my family! For daddy who always buys crabs for us and lots of things for us, for mummy who’s working but still takes great care of the house and family, and for the 2 punks who make sure I don’t get bored at home. (:
Ker yew I think you’re doing a fine job taking us girls don’t have to find someone else! (:
I’m messaging eileen now with a big smile on my face. (: haha. I miss her so much especially now that she’s not blogging! And she’s hiding something from us I’m gonna find out! Haha. Anw girls plus chandra (the stupid boy who holding out on becoming a s’pore citizen to avoid NS) outing next Monday all of you better come I miss all of you too much!
That reminds me both amos and gerry have dual citizenship, Australian/Singaporean and Canadian/Singaporean respectively. And they have to make a choice by the time the turn 21 I think and they’re having a hard time! Gerry was like I thought if you keep quiet about it they wouldn’t know. The government’s keeping close tabs on you gerry! Haha.
4 more weeks of work. I can do this.
I hate the freezing office here at eunos. I have on 3 layers of clothes and I’m still shivering. I should start bringing my faith jumper it has never failed to warm me up yet. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Anw reading weiqin’s blog got me emo-ing again. Haha. It’s so amazing how we feel the same way about the class. I had the biggest smile on my face yesterday when I saw manda and weiqin. Really can’t wait to go shopping with them on Saturday! (:
When manda saw me the first thing she said was ‘melly are you ok I read your blog you sound so sad!’ Do I really? Maybe it’s cos I blog at work and I’m miserable at work. But when I get home and start getting busy with dinner I’m quite fine. I think cos dinner and laundry tire me out so after everything I’m tired out and ready to sleep and can’t really start thinking too much and emo-ing. Haha.
I just had the worse thought. What if somehow I screwed up my university applications without knowing it? Cos I haven’t been called down to any interviews like everyone else (I didn’t apply to smu but ntu and nus have interviews too right?). Then I have to wait till next year. Gosh I’m freaking out.
Why is it so hard to not be so attached to someone when in the beginning I wasn’t? Must be the end of school and everything and I have little else to distract me/occupy my time. And sometimes I just want to know I care enough to someone. Which make me think why am I so selfish people are probably having difficulty adjusting to their new lives and here I am almost demanding, mostly needing, attention. It’s a constant battle in my head nowadays, between not wanting to be self-centred and wanting to be important enough. Right now I’m telling myself to just move on with life and just be there when needed.
But who’s gonna be there for me?
Next time, don’t say things you don’t mean. It’s really not a joke.
I think yanjun and ash only make everything worse even though they don’t know what they’re doing or saying. Yanjun if you’re reading this it’s not your fault! It’s an indirect thing. And ash you’re definitely not gonna read this but you’re really sweet. Argh I wish I’d stop comparing, seriously it’s so unfair. Is it in human nature to compare and want the best for yourself? Like how you go to the grocery store and pick the greenest and leafiest vegetables and reddest apples and make sure the cans of mushrooms you’re getting do not have any dents?
I feel like going tanning at sentosa.
Amos says I need a vacation. I would like one too.
I love you yanjun! You rock. (: How often does someone tell you I just want you to be happy? One message to make my day.
I think it’s incredibly sucky to not be happy. Talking to yanjun today made me realise what a depressed and emotional kid I’ve turned into. And I hate that. I wanna be happy and innocent and carefree and ignorant like I was last time. I wanna be like mel, she’s always so happy and cheerful and bubbly. I miss mel making me laugh and brightening my day by just smiling.
Ok it’s my problem and I have to deal with it. All those small nasty problems that together become one giant headache.
In a way I think God has been answering my prayers. Like all the outings organised in the coming weeks? Mahjong at yi’s tmr, shopping with weiqin and manda on Saturday, dinner with girls plus chandra on Monday and sentosa with babes on the following Tuesday. Lots of things to keep me occupied and HAVE FUN. So yes I’m really thankful for that. I shall continue praying. (:
I was listening to my ipod just now and when the veronicas song, when it all falls apart, came on, the words really reflect how I’m feeling.
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream
Cause babyEverything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cuz I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No
Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
Cause it just seems to go bad every time
Will I be mending?
Another one ending once again
So yeah that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling now. I just wanna go back to the start, I wanna get over it, get over myself, I don’t wanna be so attached and I wanna just be there without expecting anything in return. I wanna be able to do all this and still feel happy and not like I’m pretending, that it doesn’t hurt and that I don’t care. If I could just scream and let everything out, that’ll work too.
Gotta pick myself up where do I start?
Seems like only yesterday you were asking are you happy with me. And I always say yes. But if you ask me now I’m not sure what I’ll say.
Halfway through blogging I paused to do bible studies and was studying this verse from Matthew 17:20. ‘If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, "move from here to there," and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.’ Maxie Dunnam (author of the book) continued by saying that it’s a figure of speech and Jesus is saying that very great hindrances can be removed by faith. I guess it’s easy for me to mistrust God in certain areas of my life where I don’t see immediate results. Especially for problems I pray about all the time, to see myself still frustrated and confused is pretty disheartening.
I know I have to keep praying about it but I have a small request. Will you, the reader, pray for me as well? If you’re a believer of course.
I believe in God and that His will for me is good.
Caught between wanting attention and wanting to keep it all to myself and just trust God. Obviously the latter’s a better option but hey, I’m only human too.
watchin u;
at 8:47 PM
Monday, April 14, 2008
I’m really thankful for this outlet though. God has proven time and time again how good He is and how he’ll really give more than what we ask for. Though there are times when I do not understand yet but hey God works in ways we cannot fathom. So I should just really continue praying and just enjoy whatever I have in my life right now.
Anw ker yew said something really encouraging last Thursday during lesson. I asked if God listens to the prayers of non-Christians and she said yes! She said it’s a first step and God may place obstacles in their lives so that they will turn to him cos at this stage they only pray to ask for things. And in time they may come to believe in Him! Wonderful really how God works in each of our lives.
Then ker yew also said something else that really struck me. She said what if we only got what we thanked God for? We really don’t thank God enough, we don’t thank Him for being able to see, walk or even having money to buy that mango top we like so much. We take so many things for granted! Well I do anw. So from today onwards I shall thank God for something in every entry!
Today I thank God for my family! For daddy who always buys crabs for us and lots of things for us, for mummy who’s working but still takes great care of the house and family, and for the 2 punks who make sure I don’t get bored at home. (:
Ker yew I think you’re doing a fine job taking us girls don’t have to find someone else! (:
I’m messaging eileen now with a big smile on my face. (: haha. I miss her so much especially now that she’s not blogging! And she’s hiding something from us I’m gonna find out! Haha. Anw girls plus chandra (the stupid boy who holding out on becoming a s’pore citizen to avoid NS) outing next Monday all of you better come I miss all of you too much!
That reminds me both amos and gerry have dual citizenship, Australian/Singaporean and Canadian/Singaporean respectively. And they have to make a choice by the time the turn 21 I think and they’re having a hard time! Gerry was like I thought if you keep quiet about it they wouldn’t know. The government’s keeping close tabs on you gerry! Haha.
watchin u;
at 10:20 PM
4 more weeks of work. I can do this.
I hate the freezing office here at eunos. I have on 3 layers of clothes and I’m still shivering. I should start bringing my faith jumper it has never failed to warm me up yet. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Anw reading weiqin’s blog got me emo-ing again. Haha. It’s so amazing how we feel the same way about the class. I had the biggest smile on my face yesterday when I saw manda and weiqin. Really can’t wait to go shopping with them on Saturday! (:
When manda saw me the first thing she said was ‘melly are you ok I read your blog you sound so sad!’ Do I really? Maybe it’s cos I blog at work and I’m miserable at work. But when I get home and start getting busy with dinner I’m quite fine. I think cos dinner and laundry tire me out so after everything I’m tired out and ready to sleep and can’t really start thinking too much and emo-ing. Haha.
I just had the worse thought. What if somehow I screwed up my university applications without knowing it? Cos I haven’t been called down to any interviews like everyone else (I didn’t apply to smu but ntu and nus have interviews too right?). Then I have to wait till next year. Gosh I’m freaking out.
Why is it so hard to not be so attached to someone when in the beginning I wasn’t? Must be the end of school and everything and I have little else to distract me/occupy my time. And sometimes I just want to know I care enough to someone. Which make me think why am I so selfish people are probably having difficulty adjusting to their new lives and here I am almost demanding, mostly needing, attention. It’s a constant battle in my head nowadays, between not wanting to be self-centred and wanting to be important enough. Right now I’m telling myself to just move on with life and just be there when needed.
But who’s gonna be there for me?
Next time, don’t say things you don’t mean. It’s really not a joke.
I think yanjun and ash only make everything worse even though they don’t know what they’re doing or saying. Yanjun if you’re reading this it’s not your fault! It’s an indirect thing. And ash you’re definitely not gonna read this but you’re really sweet. Argh I wish I’d stop comparing, seriously it’s so unfair. Is it in human nature to compare and want the best for yourself? Like how you go to the grocery store and pick the greenest and leafiest vegetables and reddest apples and make sure the cans of mushrooms you’re getting do not have any dents?
I feel like going tanning at sentosa.
Amos says I need a vacation. I would like one too.
watchin u;
at 7:22 PM